Time and Learning Support
My Aunt Helen’s influence on her mental health is very strong; as I would spend my weekends at her place. As a child, I was fascinated with the intensity of stage effects and education; I was wearing flamboyant costumes, scripts scenery from a different era. As well as the projection and manner of delivery. My parents raised me in a traditional household in our society. Our parents had a difficult time making ends meet as we were immigrants.
My sister, Cecille and I, were not allowed to have extracurricular activities in school for more education. Since money was scarce; we did not have the opportunity to hang out with other students. Not even in the usual soda shops, movies or field trips. Furthermore, they were very careful that we would not violate any rules. Especially because we just travel into the country. I would act really excited when my aunt took me to rehearsal time. But what I expected, it would be a very enjoyable experience. Which quickly turned into a horrible nightmare.
However, I was a few days short of reaching my tenth birthday at the time. As soon as I stepped into the third bus that would bring us to the big city, I began to break into a sweat. Then I started to feel my heart pounding faster and louder. I gripped the edges of the bus seats and clutched the arm of my aunt. She told me the theater would be an hour’s travel.
Halfway into the travel
Surely, I started telling my aunt various reasons to go back to her place or to go home. Telling her that I was feeling queasy in the stomach. That I was about to vomit and that I was feeling dizzy; looking at me worriedly. She then told me to close my eyes and try to sleep. On the other hand, she thought I was just motion-sick.
When we arrived at the theater; instead of being consumed by joy and excitement; feeling like running away from the big red back door. I did not feel safe. I feel as if that big red door would swallow me. Everything horribly imaginable would take me apart piece by piece.
That was my first encounter with agoraphobia he was my reference. At sixteen years old; my parents brought me to a psychiatrist in our society. He diagnosed me with the disorder. Noticeably, I was devastated. He explained that the reason I would chicken out from giving stage performances in high school. Even when we made ample time rehearsals. Apparently I would just freeze when I see a lot of people in front of me. It would always be that way until I became a professional mental health officer. It was excruciating.
I would be drained at the end of long time performances
Dreading everything and everyone almost every single day is what I would do. Always having the same, weird feeling like something drastic and deadly might happen to me out of the blue. Like perhaps someone in the audience is about to shoot me right into my heart. That is obviously just an example. But when I’m not in control of the outcomes of what I am doing, I feel like I am unsafe. Which this is what constantly triggers the awful panic attacks. There are a lot of danger zones for me.
Places and people in the society that are unfamiliar. Due to work that seems new, new cuisines, new patterns in work, as well as new traffic routes. These are common sources of danger zones. These attacks just come in. Especially when my system would sense that there IS danger. Which were mostly caused by anything out of the ordinary; or out of my usual daily routine.
Traveling out of town certainly aggravates the condition
It worsens when I take flights mostly in the night. Everything has to be planned, and I need to know what to expect. Therefore, I always had to be in control. Any slight change in outcomes is more than enough to set off a panic attack.
As I entered freshman year in college; I decided to enroll in a pre-calculus course. Why? No clue. It was as though a magnetic field was drawing me into the maelstrom that was swirling about me. Before too long, I was very sorry that I got sucked into this whirlpool.